This hurts like hell

Everything hurts.  Always. Some days some things hurt more than others. It is always hell.

 There are things I just cannot do, at least not on my own.  Does not mean I am not trying.  It means the pain is crippling me. I work really hard.  Everything is hard.  Simple tasks like showering can be so difficult that some days it just cannot happen at all. I am not just saying I hurt to get attention.  I do not want that kind of attention.  I want to feel better. I want to be able to do normal things. I want to be able to drive, to go places, to enjoy myself. I want to be able to do things that I should be able to do.  I want to be able to enjoy things.

 I have reached a point where the average pain level are on the upper portion of the pain scale. I never get to be in the smiley faces section anymore.  If I'm lucky I can reach the "Nagging pain uncomfortable troublesome" level with help from drugs or whatever but most of the time I'm in the "Miserable Distressing" or "Intense, Dreadful, Horrible" portions of the chart with moments reaching "Worst Pain Possible".  This is no way to live.

 Just because you can not see my pain does not mean I do not hurt. It's not just a bad day, it's a bad life.  I wish that I could get out more and I wish I could keep a more positive attitude.  This does not pass.  It is jut not that simple.  I am in so much pain that the world gets drowned out by the pain.  I get lost in the pain.  It is not all in my head.  It is not nice not going to work.  It isn't the same as having a day off or a vacation time.  This is  different.  This is misery.  I am not physically and mentally able to work. It is hell.  I need to be able to do things.  It is depressing and frustrating to be overwhelmed with the pain, with no way out.

I am trying.  I am not just sitting at home doing nothing because I do not want to do anything.  I want to do stuff.  I try to do things but the pain gets worse and worse no matter what I do.  It may seem like I give up easy but it's not easy.  When the simplest tasks are difficult the point of being fed up comes quickly.  Yes I quit sooner than you but that's because it took me ten times more energy to even stand up out of the chair than it did for you.  It made me feel like I am going to vomit from the pain of doing something as simple as washing my hair. You probably wash your hair without even giving it much thought. To me a shower means extreme pain and several hours of complete misery as a result.  To you a shower is just one of those tasks you do with little thought.  It is just a normal part of the day. You shower, you dress, and you get on with your day.  I have to prepare myself for showering then I have to endure the shower, then I have to recover from the shower and recover from getting dressed. I'm not crazy, I am in pain.  It's not all in my head.  It is in my body.  Yes, I am depressed but I do not hurt because I am depressed.  I am depressed because my functioning is extremely limited by the pain. Psych meds are not going to solve this.  I've been down that route.  What I need is pain management! If I could reduce the pain and improve my functioning I would not be so depressed and crazy!

I can not do this on my own.  I need help and I cannot seem to find any real help. I've been searching. Scouring the internet.  Begging.  Praying.  I do not know where to turn.